How to get closure from misogynists and other things!

Written on 10th September 2015.

Dear Abhishek YS Gowda and family,

I am taking to the social media because I believe in the power of the pen or my keyboard case in question. An incident happened between us today and I was not able to voice myself because -
1. You asked me to ‘shut up' and
2. I suffer from an anxiety disorder
Let me explain a little about my anxiety disorder. I don’t take well to high stress situations. I start crying, not because I want to but because thats what an anxiety attack results in. I lose my breath. My chest aches. I tremble. And I feel faint. You witnessed it today. I was sobbing and struggling to breathe and that only seemed to spur you on. I dont blame you. My brother too does not quite understand anxiety attacks (Sorry dear brother, I know you love me!). However, this is not my issue of focus today. Depression is extremely poorly understood in India.

The purpose of this open letter is for you to see reason. Was there need for you to shout at me and exert authority? Lets reminisce. I parked my car at an approved, designated legal parking place by the park on 15th A main road in Yelahanka New Town. The same place I park my car everyday. At this point of time I did not realise that you had done the most commendable, selfless deed of all. You had cemented the pothole in front of your house. To warn people to not go over the cement you had placed half a brick and some tiny granite pieces. You wanted the traffic on the road to pass through, not on the road but through the parking space, where I had so unwittingly parked my car. I apologise. I sincerely do. I did not have the common sense to observe that there were tiny pieces of bricks on the road in a locality where house construction is common. I did not stop to notice that a few scattered red bricks that a car with the lowest possible ground clearance could run over was your actual signal to divert traffic flow away from the precious cement patch. 

But this was no reason for you to flatten my cars tyres, eh AGs? Not just did you flatten the front tyres of my car but your entire family so kindly awaited my return to give me an earful. Naive me! I actually thought that the tyres were punctured (not flattened out of malice) and I called my brother for help. I recognised the lady who was yelling at me from old memories! I recognised the husband of the lady, he recognised me. How could he not when we have a bit of history? Nice man confessed to his “boys” flattening the tyres and tried to diffuse the tension by offering to get the tyres fixed! I backed off. 

Why did I cry? I was crying like a baby because I felt helpless. Alone. Cornered. Punished for legally parking a damn car. I could’ve called the police. But why bother? What would be the outcome? Do you even know what I mean? I get so discouraged, and yes, DISTURBED by this society you and I live in. It has become absolutely pointless to follow rules, pay tax, to look after 15 stray dogs, to encourage the education of 13 children in a government school, to set up a free library, to think its absolutely okay to share personal wealth, to want equality, to expect accountability, to prevent chopping of trees or to stand up for equality. I mean, why should I bother when there are people like you out there to punish me and hurl impertinent gender comments at me?

You know nothing about me but you judged me! You abused me because I complained about living in this bloody country. Why should I feel proud about living here when someone like you can work outside the law and get away with it? Or should I feel proud of all the bravado my fellow Indian brothers displayed because a girl stood up to question them?  Obstruction to public property, road or parking space is a punishable offence. If you had obtained permission, kind BBMP or BTP would've supplied you with barricades and we could've avoided this situation altogether! Forget BBMP or BTP, we could've avoided this situation if you had a little bit of patience to give me the benefit of doubt. Benefit of doubt that I probably would not have parked my car there had I noticed the cement repair. Instead you indulged in vandalism, which my patriotic friend, is a criminal offence. 

You disrespected me for talking in English (which I do when I’m anxious! Did you notice how much I stammered?) You said I should've lived in England because I studied there for a few years. You called me names. You did not care to listen or see why. Know what? You could not have been more wrong! Did you know that I never wanted to leave India in the first place, even if it was to study, and I did so only due to personal circumstances? Did you know that the first English publication I ever bought and read was Freedom at Midnight by Lapierre and Collins or that I once scored a 124/125 in Kannada. Did you know that I want the peacock throne back in Delhi (along with half the wealth the Britishers took) or that Kingfisher is my favourite beer?  Did you know that my favourite song in the whole wide world is the title track of Shankar Nag’s Geetha or that I love Guddada Bhootha? Did you know that I strongly want Girish Kasaravalli to win DadaSaheb Phalke or that I believe Kannada should be a compulsory language in every school in Karnataka? Did you know that I go to the Sahyadris every monsoon because thats where I think heaven is? Did you know that all I have ever wanted to do in terms of a profession in life since I was 15 years old is to farm, to settle down in my mother's village near Doddaballapur where I was born and may be let my life be of some use to people who'll let it? 

I stand by what I said. I hate living in this country. I'm a normal human being. I cannot be strong all the time. Not when my beliefs, principles and actions are questioned by people who have none. Not when I'm being exploited. Not when regular people think its their right to punish me. I will hate living in this country for as long as I will be stared at, for as long as I run into paedophiles from my past who have gotten away scot free. For as long as I will be bullied for being educated or yelled at solely because I am a woman, I will hate living in this country of double standards and will say so, out LOUDLY, when a woman comes to me and says "You're a girl. Learn to behave like a girl! " to defend her SON. 

But I’m not leaving. This is where I belong. I cannot change the way every person thinks but if I can help one, I will! 

I don’t know you. I don’t judge you. Please don’t judge me harshly because I’m a girl who wears pants and talks back to boys. I have a bloody opinion about MY country because I care! Even if its in English! I pray you understand!

P.S. This is post is not related to any other Abhishek Gowda who is not a resident of Yelahanka, Bangalore.